Blog403 Forbidden: A Geek's Guide to Rejection
Oct 17
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403 Forbidden: A Geek's Guide to Rejection

Posted by Jaimie Sirovich on Oct. 17th, 2006. 66 comments — voice your opinion.

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I'm a geek.  Based on the content of this blog, many of my readers are too.  But some of you just may have seen a woman at some point.  If you have, you have likely been rejected, but don't understand what she means.  This handy guide will put rejection into terms we can all understand — HTTP Response codes.  SEOs should especially appreciate these.  Implementation via PHP.

Note: These are all real.  I didn't make them up!

header("HTTP/1.0 306 (Unused)");
"I'm a virgin."

header("HTTP/1.0 402 Payment Required");
"I'm from Craigslist."

header("HTTP/1.0 403 Forbidden");
"I'm Catholic."

header("HTTP/1.0 303 See Other");
"Maybe we should see other people."

header("HTTP/1.0 203 Non-authorative Information"); or header("HTTP/1.0 204 No Content");
"The conversation could be better."

header("HTTP/1.0 417 Expectation Failed" );
"Maybe Cialis, next time … ?"

header("HTTP/1.0 411 Length Required");
"You call that a penis?"

header("HTTP/1.0 404 Not Found");
"Ciao!"

OK, I'm totally immature, but what can I say — I laughed while I was writing this.

What translations have I missed?  Leave a comment :)

UPDATE: I got bored and made some shirts for myself.  I'm selling them here at ZERO profit on Cafepress.com.  (Just a bit of shameless advertising, though … :)): 

 

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"66 Wise Comments Banged Out Somewhere On The Internet ..."


quadszilla

banged out 10/17/2006

502 Bad Gateway;
"Not in that hole!"

Paul

banged out 10/17/2006

LOL. I love the 417, particularly the explanation. I would call it the “lame excuse” code. Politicians use a lot of it: “I am sorry that your expectation failed, but it wasn’t me. It’s the democrats/republicans that gave me the ‘unambiguous evidence’ in 1879…” I have to admit that if you are in the mindset of making light of the codes, you start seeing the funny side to all of them. How about:

206 Partially Content
410 Gone with the Wind
or
410 Gone Fishing
- and I quote: “This condition is expected to be considered permanent.”

I know, you had to be there…

BTW, there may actually BE women visiting your blog…

natasha

banged out 10/18/2006

What, women can't be geeks? And we may not get the 411 rejection, but there are plenty of others ranging from the gender-specific to the gender-neutral.

203 Non-Authoritative Information (alternate)
"I didn't lie. … About anything important."

300 Multiple Choices
"What, you didn't know I was still dating other girls?"

405 Method Not Allowed
"You love your blog/politics/tech thing more than me."

407 Proxy Authentication Required
"Come on, you know how I feel about you."

412 Precondition Failed
"What do you mean you won't shave there?"

415 Unsupported Media Type
"What's with the sci-fi crap all the time?"

503 Out of Resources
"I don't have time for this right now."

505 HTTP Version not supported
"You didn't think this was serious, did you?"

In geeky solidarity, n

meerkat

banged out 10/18/2006

413 Request entity too large
"WOW!"

420am

banged out 10/18/2006

500 - Internal Server Error
"I have a yeast infection"

Brian

banged out 10/18/2006

301 Moved Permanently
- Didn't you get the clue, when I changed my number and moved away?

Bryan

banged out 10/18/2006

304 Not Modified
"I can't change for you."

307 Temporary Redirect
"I was only with you to get over my ex."

400 Bad Request
"Can you introduce me to your hot friend?"

406 Not Acceptable
"Sorry, but I care about what my friends think."

409 Conflict
"Let me introduce you to my boyfriend Spike"

413 Request Entity Too Large
"I don't know who Lara Croft is, but no they aren't that big, now get lost."

Tzvi

banged out 10/18/2006

A few more I came up with.

10.4.1 400 Bad Request
"Why would I want to go out with a loser like you."

10.4.10 409 Conflict
"Um, I have to wash my hair that night."

10.4.14 413 Request Entity Too Large
"Lose some weight, fatso."

10.4.17 416 Requested Range Not Satisfiable
"Do you need a pair of tweezers when you masterbate?"

10.2.5 204 No Content
"Can't we go on a date somewhere besides the comic shop?"

10.3.2 301 Moved Permanently
"I can't go out with you beause, um, I, um, I am moving to Yemen."

Marc

banged out 10/18/2006

10.4.14 413 Request Entity Too Large
"Sorry I'm not into fat guys"

Hilarious

banged out 10/18/2006

That was awesome!

dak

banged out 10/18/2006

nice!

Gravity

banged out 10/18/2006

404 Not Found: "Where'd all my stuff go?"

SomeGuy

banged out 10/18/2006

Internal Error 500 would probably equivalent to a girl throwing up on you after you asked her to dance (been there down that).

David

banged out 10/18/2006

header("HTTP/1.0 10.4.8 407 Proxy Authentication Required");
"I need some cash before we begin"

header("HTTP/1.0 10.4.15 414 Request-URI Too Long");
"You want to put THAT WHERE????"

DaBigCat

banged out 10/18/2006

411 Length Required
That couldn't break a Cheerio

402 Payment required
You must pay before riding the ride

503 Service unavailable
Sorry - but I've got this thing on my lip…

Dilbert

banged out 10/18/2006

header("HTTP/1.0 100 Continue");
It's your lucky night

header("HTTP/1.0 202 Accepted");
Even luckier

header("HTTP/1.0 201 Created");
When the girl calls back nine months later

header("HTTP/1.0 408 Request Timeout");
Uh …

header("HTTP/1.0 503 Service Unavailable");
I have a headache

James

banged out 10/18/2006

Funny, but I'm not sure how 'Forbidden' translates into 'Catholic'… if that's so, how come there's so many of them?

Jake

banged out 10/18/2006

How about some others:

100 Continue…..OMG Don't Stop! (rare lol)
307 Temporary Redirect…..Wrong time of the month
400 Bad Request….I'm not that sort of girl
413 Request Entity Too Large…..(no comment)
415 Unsupported Media Type…..I don't swing that way
416 Requested Range Not Satisfiable…..I want someone more mature
503 Service Unavailable…..(see 307 above)

blahblahblah

banged out 10/18/2006

500 internal server error == "it's not you, it's me"

T

banged out 10/18/2006

10.5.5 504 Gateway Timeout
"Are you done yet?"

analgesia

banged out 10/18/2006

202 Accepted
"The 202 response is intentionally non-committal"
One night stand.

205 Reset Content
Can we go back to being just friends?

302 Found
You found the magical g-spot

303 See Other
She's a swinger.

304 Not Modified
She still says no

greg

banged out 10/18/2006

Brilliant! Thanks for the laugh(s).

Filo

banged out 10/18/2006

505 HTTP Version Not Supported

"Sorry I don't swing that way."

mark

banged out 10/18/2006

Rofl. Good stuff! :D

QueueEHGuy

banged out 10/18/2006

405 Method Not Allowed
"You're not putting that anywhere near me."

412 Precondition Failed
"No, I've had enough to drink, thanks."

Asira

banged out 10/18/2006

206 Partial Content
"Let's just be friends"

305 Use Proxy
"No, but can you introduce me to your hot friend?"
(Alternate) "What's this do?" (usually asked while waving toy around)

405 Method Not Allowed
"Only if I'm on top"

505 Version Not Supported
"What ARE you talking about?" (usually occurs after Geek fails to communicate in prescribed language)

Tawcan

banged out 10/18/2006

ROFL. Good one!

Brent

banged out 10/18/2006

417 Expectation Failed
You looked better from the other side of the bar

Techylah

banged out 10/18/2006

Great! I'll try my luck with:

"999 Buffer Overflow. Spawning new process. Abort?"
The condom broke.

"Digital ring configuration accepted. (-5k)"
Your girl digs the diamond ring. It cost you five grand.

"O O O O O O…Oh Oh Oh .. GPS shift"
The big "O". Yess, the earth moved for me.

JPM

banged out 10/18/2006

203 Non-Authoritative Information (alternate)
"She sent me a picture over the internet. She's cute."

400 Bad Request
“You want to put your what in my what now?”

405 Method Not Allowed
“Eer, I think we should stop here. Take me home please.”

408 HTTP Request Timeout
"You got stood up, again"

505 HTTP Version Not Supported
“You have a drinking problem.”

503 Out of Resources
“Let's stay home and watch TV”

407 Proxy Authentication Required
"Yes sir, she'll be home by ten thirty"

Matt

banged out 10/18/2006

header(”HTTP/1.0 100 Continue”);
"It’s your lucky night"

10.4.1 400 Bad Request
“When your lucky night gets stonewalled by her lack of adventure.”

header(”HTTP/1.0 202 Accepted”);
"This is what the keeper girl says when the other girl gave you a 400 error."

header(”HTTP/1.0 201 Created”);
"When the girl calls back nine months later"

header(”HTTP/1.0 408 Request Timeout”);
"The response you give when she calls back nine months later"

Woofie

banged out 10/18/2006

10.1.1 100 Continue
"more of the same"

10.1.2 101 Switching Protocols
"turned Gay"

10.2.1 200 OK
"no STD's"

10.2.2 201 Created
"Pregnant"

10.2.3 202 Accepted
"got a date"

10.2.4 203 Non-Authoritative Information
"underage"

10.2.5 204 No Content
"frigid"

10.2.6 205 Reset Content
"start new relationship"

10.2.7 206 Partial Content
"got to make out"

10.3.1 300 Multiple Choices
"Roommate wants some too"

10.3.2 301 Moved Permanently
"left town with no forwarding address"

10.3.3 302 Found
"Score"

10.3.4 303 See Other
"Try brother or sister"

10.3.5 304 Not Modified
"unable to get any"

10.3.6 305 Use Proxy
"talked to roommate"

10.3.7 306 (Unused)
"virgin"

10.3.8 307 Temporary Redirect
"slept with roommate"

10.4.1 400 Bad Request
"asked to put your finger somewhere"

10.4.2 401 Unauthorized
"Stuck your finger where it was not wanted"

10.4.3 402 Payment Required
"Hooker"

10.4.5 404 Not Found
"Runaway"

10.4.6 405 Method Not Allowed
"a little to rough a little to early"

10.4.7 406 Not Acceptable
"Shave shower and try again"

10.4.8 407 Proxy Authentication Required
"Meet the parents"

10.4.9 408 Request Timeout
"Stood up."

10.4.10 409 Conflict
"Fight"

10.4.11 410 Gone
"Skipped town"

10.4.12 411 Length Required
"More Foreplay required"

10.4.14 413 Request Entity Too Large
"cut down on the Enzite"

10.4.15 414 Request-URI Too Long
"Yeah Right"

10.4.16 415 Unsupported Media Type
"user likes gender other than yours"

10.4.17 416 Requested Range Not Satisfiable
"Partner finished before you"

10.4.18 417 Expectation Failed
"Condom broke"

10.5.1 500 Internal Server Error
"Period"

10.5.2 501 Not Implemented
"got the period"

10.5.3 502 Bad Gateway
"Roommate Intercepting your calls and providing false information"

10.5.4 503 Service Unavailable
"possible pregnancy"

10.5.5 504 Gateway Timeout
"Roommate not transferring your messages"

10.5.6 505 HTTP Version Not Supported
"user likes gender other than yours"

Keith

banged out 10/18/2006

I'm so disappointed with myself, I'm probably not as good to be into the class of geeks yet. The only one that I know is 404, as according to your description.

Tom

banged out 10/18/2006

DUGG!!! good laughs

Aaron

banged out 10/18/2006

header(”HTTP/1.0 100 Continue”);
"You had me at hello."

Ken

banged out 10/19/2006

10.4.7 406 Not Acceptable (alternative)
Hooker accepts cash only

10.2.5 204 No Content
When the girl asks "Are you sure you're in?"

10.3.7 306 (Unused)
A geek's thing

10.4.5 404 Not Found
"Where is it?"

10.4.9 408 Request Timeout
She fell asleep while you were trying to figure out what you
were doing

10.4.18 417 Expectation Failed
Don't worry it happens to everyone sometime or other

LV

banged out 10/19/2006

This is by the far the best:
quadszilla
502 Bad Gateway;
“Not in that hole!”

CZ

banged out 10/19/2006

10.3.7 306 (Unused)
"You can keep that thing in the wrapper."

DrJustice

banged out 10/19/2006

404 Not Found
“Wait, I'll go get a magnifying glass.”

Steve

banged out 10/22/2006

502 bad gateway, hahhahaha.

waza

banged out 10/22/2006

surely, and this is strictly an SEO joke

301…now seeing someone else

302…now seeing someone else, but you don't now about it!

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