Have you been a good Christian this year? No? So let's resolve to be better next year! Many of you have heard about Christian web hosting. But have you ever heard about Christian SEO?
This may come as a surprise -- but even Google answers to a higher power. That power is The Lord. For some of you it's Jesus, for some of you its Jehovah, and for others, its Allah. No matter, you're all going straight to Supplemental Hell except for the Christians! So now that that's settled, what do you do to practice wholesome Christian SEO? There are 4 factors, all of which constitute your FaithRank(tm). Here they are:
1. Robots.txt: In order to rank well, you must prevent the Dark Satan from visiting any pages on your web site. Not doing this may allow Satan to wage war with the web sites that bear witness to The Savior, heaven forbid! To prevent this, add the following to your robots.txt file:
User-agent: satan
Disallow: /
You may also use the meta robots exclusion tag to exclude Satan from every page manually. To do this, add the following to ever page in the "<head> ... </head>" section of your HTML document:
<meta name="satan" content="noindex, nofollow">.
One must be very careful, however. Forgetting this tag on but one page may permit The Satan to enter your web site. Use of this tag, therefore, is not recommended!
Picture of Google Engineer Pondering What To Place In The Supplemental Index
(sorry Matt, I had to ... )
2. Meta tags: You must declare Jesus your Lord and Savior on your home page with the meta savior tag. This is done by adding the following tag to the "head" section of your document.
<meta name="savior" content="Jesus">
Doing so ensures that The Savior will forgive you for your sins of spamming and coveting the keywords of others. Google may not listen to your reinclusion requests, but Jesus has a direct line on speed dial to Matt Cutts himself. Some speculate that they talk regularly. If you have been banned, please also verify that you have entirely excluded The Satan. If so, repent, and file a reinclusion request.
3. Do Not Trust False Idols: Even Matt Cutts admits the following meta tag will not work! Using this tag and worshiping Google and/or Matt Cutts will incur the wrath of The Lord. One must only pray to Jesus! Here is the heretical HTML, duly stricken: <meta name="GooglePray" content="Google, please rate me high by keyword Matt Cutts">
4. Link: Lastly, you must proudly show your FaithRank(tm) and link to the founder of the Christian SEO official web site, www.seoegghead.com/tools/check-faithrank.php. This will facilitate the spreading of The Good Word, and wholesome Christian SEO. Simply fill out this form and we will generate the code for you:
FaithRank (tm)
If Google itself isn't posessed by The Satan, you will surely rank using these methods. Doing so keeps The Lord on your side. Let The Lord be your shepherd, say some prayers, and add the FaithRank icon prominently on your web site today!
PS: Using Link Condoms (or any condoms) is an abomination according to the Catholic Church. Don't listen to heathens. Seriously 
Happy Holidays!
December 21st, 2006 at 2:15 am
Jaimie,
I just wanted to tell you how much I love your blog. It not only is the smartest one I've come across, but it's also the funniest.
Keep on blogging.
S
December 21st, 2006 at 2:29 am
[...] Move over flying spaghetti monster, SEO Egghead has the way for you true believers to guarantee salvation. Disallow satan, rightious metatags, and link grubbing will get you on Saint Peter’s Everlasting Guest list. bookmark this article: [...]
December 21st, 2006 at 3:45 am
[...] Were You a Good Christian SEO This Year? Christian SEO at SEO Egghead: Check FaithRank, Disallow Satan, declare Jesus your Lord and Savior on your site. [...]
December 21st, 2006 at 7:00 am
It says im Evil.... i think thats a little strong... well ok then its not that strong...
Now im off to sail 100 hail sergeys and drink the cool-aid of christ
December 21st, 2006 at 9:21 am
Terrific post. I actually had a problem with Satan slamming one of my sites lately and I never knew about that command. Hopefully he will follow it and get the f off
December 21st, 2006 at 11:01 am
I wonder though, how does cloaking fit into this?
Cloaking the meta tags so just satan sees them... that sounds right 
December 21st, 2006 at 12:00 pm
Jaimie,
I still can't stop laughing. Good one :))
A
December 21st, 2006 at 1:00 pm
Well-played, sir.
December 21st, 2006 at 1:07 pm
Nice, I think I may add some of these for geek points... but it will have to wait until I get home.
December 21st, 2006 at 2:23 pm
Jaimie:
You are going to burn in hell for this one. I laughed pretty hard at this post. When I did a FaithRank I got a picture of Fidel Castro you can come up with a better picture than that- try our Iranian Buddy- or Bill Gates.
Mayer
itsontarget.com
December 21st, 2006 at 2:58 pm
Were You a Good Christian SEO This Year?...
SEO Egghead introduces us to the joy of Christian SEO. Did you know there was a Devil NoFollow tag?...
December 21st, 2006 at 3:22 pm
Jaimie, you've lost it mate, seriously!
This has had me in kinks today, I was impressed with how good this is.
Great Job, and now I am walking on the right path!
December 23rd, 2006 at 8:57 pm
Funny I remember talking to a guy who handled PPC for the Christian Science Monitor about 3 or 4 years ago at SES NYC. At one point during our conversation I asked him how much God costs on Google and he looked at me like I had two heads.
I went and did a search at Overture and found Satan cost more then God or Jesus!
December 24th, 2006 at 2:21 am
Hahhaha - That's awesome!
G-Man
December 25th, 2006 at 6:24 pm
Merry x-mas, but hey, you should do the positive side also: Allow: Jesus etc :=)
Have a happy new years and avoid the fireworks.
cheers
danskespil
December 25th, 2006 at 6:26 pm
forgot, how about some new years gifts, we're all waiting for that php book to be published, you should relieve us of out pains, and give sneak peaks into the chapters
December 29th, 2006 at 5:17 pm
[...] 3. Were You a Good Christian SEO This Year? [...]
January 3rd, 2007 at 5:45 pm
I do not understand this post.
I seached to try to gain some understanding on recovering from supplemental hell
and this post does shit but make lil analogies of religions.
First of all, I'm a aesthetic. Anyone who believes in any god is truly in a way dillusional
Thats reality...people believing in figures of higher power that will always be unknown to humans.
I honestly think its you dillusional fucks who waste people time by talkin about religion this religion that.
GROW UP DORK
January 3rd, 2007 at 8:48 pm
Someone took this seriously?
January 18th, 2007 at 12:02 am
I tried, Father... this past year as in years before, and I had some success alas not enough. Oh, how oft clients linger and languish behind these bustling times! They know not what they do, nor what they don't. After too long, too many aren't keeping up as needed; now too far behind mine self and needs. This world of man runs on gold as well as faith. I can wait for them no longer.
Though I must walk through the valley of the shadow I shall fear no Google. Do not forsake me. Simply hear my Purgatorial confession. These wings are neither broken nor clipped. They're but very tired, and the hands must shed their usual bindings. No longer can I fast for and pray to the Church so devoutly. Hence lo, here lyeth at last a fallen angel... The showman nears quitting his day job to surrender to the Abyss and putting on one Hell of an act.
May mine cup runneth over with holy water alone again someday, but on this day it's found now dangerously dry. The shepherd always must tend to his flock, and will do what he has to for them. For what I've shed in it, let there now be blood and I shall drink. And I shall be satisfied.
Praise the Lard.
February 5th, 2007 at 7:20 pm
People like "Tobby The Satan" should refrain from replying, because they only reveal their foolishness. First of all, it's "atheist," not "aesthetic". Second, your use of four-letter words confirms that you're not smart enough to speak intelligently, so you have to resort to name-calling. (Second grade called: They want you back.) Third, I'd rather believe in a God who you believe doesn't exist (even though He does) than in the ridiculous theory (that's right; a theory with no proof) of evolution. It takes a lot more faith to believe in the crazy theory of evolution than in a sovereign God. Oh, wait, maybe you believe we were put here by aliens?!?!? Some day, you WILL believe in God as you stand before Him and beg for your eternal life (sorry; it will be too late then).