- Dec. 21st, 2006
- 22 comments
Have you been a good Christian this year? No? So let's resolve to be better next year! Many of you have heard about Christian web hosting. But have you ever heard about Christian SEO?
This may come as a surprise — but even Google answers to a higher power. That power is The Lord. For some of you it's Jesus, for some of you its Jehovah, and for others, its Allah. No matter, you're all going straight to Supplemental Hell except for the Christians! So now that that's settled, what do you do to practice wholesome Christian SEO? There are 4 factors, all of which constitute your FaithRank(tm). Here they are:
1. Robots.txt: In order to rank well, you must prevent the Dark Satan from visiting any pages on your web site. Not doing this may allow Satan to wage war with the web sites that bear witness to The Savior, heaven forbid! To prevent this, add the following to your robots.txt file:
You may also use the meta robots exclusion tag to exclude Satan from every page manually. To do this, add the following to ever page in the "<head> … </head>" section of your HTML document:
<meta name="satan" content="noindex, nofollow">.
One must be very careful, however. Forgetting this tag on but one page may permit The Satan to enter your web site. Use of this tag, therefore, is not recommended!
Picture of Google Engineer Pondering What To Place In The Supplemental Index
(sorry Matt, I had to … )
2. Meta tags: You must declare Jesus your Lord and Savior on your home page with the meta savior tag. This is done by adding the following tag to the "head" section of your document.
<meta name="savior" content="Jesus">
Doing so ensures that The Savior will forgive you for your sins of spamming and coveting the keywords of others. Google may not listen to your reinclusion requests, but Jesus has a direct line on speed dial to Matt Cutts himself. Some speculate that they talk regularly. If you have been banned, please also verify that you have entirely excluded The Satan. If so, repent, and file a reinclusion request.
3. Do Not Trust False Idols: Even Matt Cutts admits the following meta tag will not work! Using this tag and worshiping Google and/or Matt Cutts will incur the wrath of The Lord. One must only pray to Jesus! Here is the heretical HTML, duly stricken:
<meta name="GooglePray" content="Google, please rate me high by keyword Matt Cutts">
4. Link: Lastly, you must proudly show your FaithRank(tm) and link to the founder of the Christian SEO official web site, www.seoegghead.com/tools/check-faithrank.php. This will facilitate the spreading of The Good Word, and wholesome Christian SEO. Simply fill out this form and we will generate the code for you:
If Google itself isn't posessed by The Satan, you will surely rank using these methods. Doing so keeps The Lord on your side. Let The Lord be your shepherd, say some prayers, and add the FaithRank icon prominently on your web site today!
PS: Using Link Condoms (or any condoms) is an abomination according to the Catholic Church. Don't listen to heathens. Seriously